I Asked the Same Questions, Gabe

Every night, either myself or Manny read Gabriel a bedtime story. The last few weeks, understandably, have been a bit hectic, but now that we are settling back into our routine more as each day passes, I've been so happy to be back in his room reading him those night-time books. We were doing a great job of also saying bedtime prayers, but unfortunately those got a little lost in the shuffle a few months ago.

Tonight, I set out to reclaim prayer time after book time. It didn't start out well.

"Okay Gabe, make the sign of the cross."
Begrudgingly, he threw his hand up, down, left and... Didn't finish it.
"Gabe, make the sign of the cross. Now."
"I don't want to!"
"Do. It. Now."
"No!"
"What?! Did you just tell me no? What, is the sign of the cross going to hurt you?!"
"Yes!"
"You have three seconds to make the sign of the cross or I will do it for you."

In my head I laughed, imagining how ridiculous I probably looked turning prayer into a chore. I thought about nuns in habits smacking kids over their hands with rulers. I could (somewhat) see why.

Finally, he did it.

I started off reciting the Lord's Prayer. I prefaced by saying that he didn't have to repeat after me, but I  wanted him to get used to hearing it and eventually work up to repeating it and then memorizing it. Then I said two Hail Mary's. Then I asked him who and what he wanted to pray for.

"Everyone in our family."

Perfect, I said. Then after we named every grandparent and aunt, uncle and cousin, I asked, "Now what? ... Maybe we can thank Jesus for the blessings in our life... Like, Anna getting out of the hospital, or Grandma coming to visit..."

He stopped and asked, "Where's Jesus?"

"Everywhere. He lives in Heaven but He is also everywhere."

"Like where? Is he in my room? Next to us? Behind us?"

"He lives in our heart, and He is everywhere with us. Jesus is pure love and teaches us to how to love others and be good people and make good decisions."

"Is he in your heart? Because sometimes I'm not so good."

I smiled and asked why he didn't think he was "good." He told me, "Sometimes I don't listen."

It was the perfect time to relate to him what Mommy was like when she was a little girl, and how sometimes she didn't listen to her Mommy and Daddy either, but then as she grew older she realized her Mommy and Daddy told her things for a reason, all because they loved her and wanted the best for her. And while listening was important, just because he didn't every now and then didn't mean he wasn't good. I reiterated about a hundred times how he is a good boy and oh-so-special.

I told him about the time Memee explained that if I asked Jesus to live in my heart, He would live there forever. Then I related, "So I asked Him, 'Jesus, will you live in my heart?'"

"Why did you want Him to live there?" he asked, his hazel eyes as big as bowling balls.

"Because He loves me and He is good. He gave me you, Anna, and Daddy, and you are all so good and special."

"But Anna isn't good, Mommy. She is sick all the time."

Pause. I felt like the wind had been kicked out of me.

I answered, "Anna is good, Gabe... Anna is so special... Anna is an angel. She's an angel! And she was sent down from Heaven. When she was in Mommy's belly, Jesus knew she would need an extra special big brother, and He looked down and He saw you. He knew you would be the best big brother for His angel, Anna."

"Mommy, why are you crying?"

"Because I look at you and I am in awe of how smart you are and the questions you ask and the observations you make. You are so special."

He opened his arms and I buried my cheeks into his shoulder. I hate it when he sees me cry. But this moment, as difficult as it was, was good for both of us. It brought compassion in a time we each needed it.

In all his childlike wonder, he said, "I just don't understand if Jesus is so good why He makes Anna sick all the time."

I had to think fast, and I had to speak honestly and in a way he could understand. "He doesn't make her sick... He helps her to get better. Sometimes what makes us so special are the things that aren't so perfect. We just have to keep praying to Jesus and He will take care of her... He will take care of all of us..."

"Ok... I don't really want to talk about this anymore... I'm ready to go to sleep."

For those who know Gabe well, this is his "man" way of ending any conversation about any subject he is just done talking about. That's it. Finished. Attention span over. Case closed. I find it endearing and humorous that this is so ingrained in his nature, but I doubt any future girlfriend or wife of his will.

I just kissed him and said, "Ok, Gabe. 'Night. I love you."

"I love you too, Mommy."

After this undoubtedly difficult conversation, my heart ached and my soul cried. The longer I thought about it and pondered his questions, I felt piercing pain all over and I worried about our exchange. I had to pray, and as always, He leads me to words of comfort. "God-sequently" I stumbled upon Psalm 46, and every verse meant something to each member of our family that is suffering yet somehow pulling through, questioning yet somehow finding understanding. Amazingly enough, the verses that moved my heart for each of us were in almost perfect consecutive order.

For me, "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

For Gabe, "We will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells." Psalm 46:2-4

For Anna, "God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day." Psalm 46:5

For Manny, "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." Psalm 46:10-11

Talk about finding shelter in a crazy storm.