The Internal Clock

So this commitment to blogging is really hard. It's been over a week. I think the main reason is because I am convinced no one reads this, so really, what is the point? But then I think, there may be that ONE person who stumbles upon this and thinks... This Stefanie Matters!

Maybe not for the pic of the mayonnaise from the last entry, but for my all around positive thoughts. Which have been lacking lately. Time for a trip back home out of this madness.

Does the time post next to these entries? Here it is, 4:01 a.m. I've been up since 3... Remember all that talk about being a 3 a.m.-peer? Case in point. Only this time I didn't sleep-walk to and from the porcelain throne. I woke up... for good. I kindly whisper in Mano's ear, "Are you awake?" I am answered with a loud, thunderous "snoooooooore" and I've gotten my answer. Time to go play on the Internet. 

Things have been topsy-turvy lately. I am wondering if this week has been such a struggle because I didn't have my weekly fill of Mass on Sunday. It was the NYC Bike Marathon and every bridge in the city was shut down. Poor planning on our part because we committed to go to Brooklyn, where our priest-friend just became pastor in Prospect Heights. We left at 11:30 a.m. for the 20 minute commute to get there for noon Mass and walked in as the congregation was walking out and Fr. Harrington was standing there thinking to himself, "Poor planning. It was the NYC Bike Marathon." Ok so maybe not in those words exactly, but then we didn't get to the evening Mass either because we were brunching in Brooklyn, waiting for the roads to open back up. 

Anyway, I am feeling a little melancholy. And this feeling clouds over me like a ticker, a time clock, as if it knows it has been "exactly 2 months" since I've been back in Ohio with my family and this feeling won't lift until I book a last-minute ticket or jump in the car for the 9-hour drive. Never an easy task. So I tell myself, over and over until I start to feel better, "you leave on May 29th and will be there for almost 10 days..." It's May 9th and I am starting to pack our bags...

Will I live on this 2-month time clock for the rest of my life? I have an inkling that if these early morning bouts of insomnia continue (I am blaming you, crazy baby who abuses my bladder and kicks me from the inside out) this feeling will blanket me as I am awake and the rest of the Eastern coast sleeps. I can push the melancholy aside during daily life, but not in these moments of pure, unaccompanied silence. Even with all of its people, this world can be a lonely place. 

Here are my favorite pictures of last Spring's trip back home. The one with Pap is especially comforting because at this time last year we were so scared he was going to succumb to cancer. Now that prayers and medicine have intervened, I rest easy knowing he is okay and look forward to his healthy big bear hugs. As for Pops and me, I just wanna yell downstairs from my old room, "Dad, wanna head out to the porch and have a drink?" Best. Moments. Ever.