Happy 1st Birthday Anna!

Memories... Anna is 1 today!! I have a hard time looking back on the day she met the world, but can't help but reflect on it. A scheduled Friday doctor's appointment, a brief check-up was all it was to be, Manny and Gabriel accompanied me. I wanted Gabriel to see "baby sister" on the television one more time before she came in to the world, not realizing it would be that very day!

I remember getting dressed. Blue skirt, brown maternity top, flip flops. Hair pulled back. Minimal make-up. 

We were to go from the doctor's to the Lemongrass Grill (my favorite Thai place, on the East Side in Murray Hill area) and I wanted Manny to try it too. I didn't eat breakfast that day. I wanted the scales at the doctor's to be as "light" as possible, and saved my appetite for an early Thai lunch. Then we were to go furniture shopping for Anna's room. My appointment was at 11.

Walk in, lay down on exam table, top pulled over my growing belly, sonogram technician walks in. This is where it begins: Jelly on the belly. Monitor. Heartbeat. Slow. Reading the levels. Abnormal. Anna, weak. No kicks. Questions. "I have to go speak with the doctor." Confusion. Enter doctor. "Let's move you to another room, try out another sonogram machine." Move. New table. Shirt up. Skirt low. Doctor. Pressing into belly. Concern. Confusion. "Go to hospital right away. Take a cab. Don't walk. Just going in for fetal monitoring. May have an emergency c-section today."

As I write, tears well. My stomach remembers the feeling. The nervous pit. My heart beats, as if I were back in that moment. 

Manny is excited. I am a mix. Nervous, excited. No more daily shots, I think to myself.

Elevator to 13th floor. I just went in on previous Tuesday for a tour. Nurse who gave me tour is at the desk. She remembers me. Let's it slip: "They told me a patient named Stefanie was on her way over, with Factor V Leiden. I was wondering if it was you! It is... Let's go get you prepped."

Went from fetal monitoring... To being prepped... Very quickly. Too fast.

Baby doing worse. Levels low. Came in to hospital at noon, baby out at 3:47 p.m. Those 3 hours are a whir. Medical history reports, oxygen, hospital robe, no undies, too exposed, epidural, looking to Manny, wasn't allowed in yet. All alone. Laughing with doctors and hospital staff. Trying to cope with how fast everything was moving. Starving. Worried. I missed Gabe. Where was he? Abuelo came to take him to his house. I wanted to hold my baby boy. He was familiar. My first baby.

Manny allowed in. Heard me cursing down the hall while I was given epidural. Laughing. Doctor enters. It begins. Pressing. Tugging. Pressure. Elephant on my chest. Baby disturbed from silence and calm of the womb and grabbed by hands to meet the world. Ready Or Not. Here She Comes.

Waiting for cry. Waiting for any sound at all. I look nervously. 4 doctors surrounding her. "Where is her cry? WHERE IS HER CRY?" Seconds seem like hours. She cries. A tear rolls down my cheek. Thank you, God.

I didn't get to hold her for 24 hours. That was the hardest part. Tied up to tubes, IV's, not doing well. Roller coaster. 

Pain of c-section, swollen legs and ankles, in bed, no baby. On 9th floor, in NICU. All alone. Not able to be there for her at first. Guilt. Frustration. Pain meds. 

Baby shower was supposed to be at favorite restaurant, Alice's Tea Cup, East 63rd. Friends from D.C. here. Robin, Steph, Amy. Angels!! Gave me shower in hospital room. Freed my mind from the stress and trauma of the last 24 hours. Love them so.

Abuela came in on Sunday, a lovely knight in shining armor to save us from utter chaos! Took care of Gabe, house, Manny, me! Driving me to hospital every day. Gabe crying. Missing each other.

Never understood correlation of God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, and where Mary played in to all of it. Why Mary?? Why call her a "Blessed Mother"? Standing over Anna's incubator, unable to hold her, only able to comfort her with my words and my presence and my prayers, I had a realization. As Jesus suffered on the Cross, Mary was unable to touch him, unable to hold him, unable to give any comfort. Only her presence. Her prayers. How her soul and heart must have suffered to see her Son that way. To see Anna, helpless baby, tears came and didn't stop. I knew why she was a Blessed Mother. She was a martyr. A saint. I tried to be like Mary in those days in the NICU. I never let Anna go once I was able to hold her. Crib was filled with Rosaries and prayer cards. The Jewish-heavy hospital knew what religion we were.

Couldn't wait for her to come home. Spent hours upon hours learning about Anna, her symptoms, her conditions, her tests, her results, everything. Pumped for breastmilk. Wanted her to have the best and be the best and do the best. 

She came home on August 5th. An early anniversary present. Her life with us in an apartment in Astoria began. Mom. Dad. Big Brother Gabriel. Anna Banana.

First year: trials. Hospitalized on first Christmas. Constipated. Taking time on milestones. Personality: Relaxed. Funny. Demanding. Great sleeper. Cuddler. Kisses. Hugs. Waves hi and bye. Sitting up. Playing. Talks with other babies. Laughs. Eyes light up with excitement. Eyes are Blue!! (Never thought!) Baby girl. Blue-eyed baby girl. Mommy's eyes. Daddy's nose and smile. Chubby cheeks. Plump rolls on legs. Tiny feet. Small frame. Cute butt. Love to pinch and kiss it! Favorite time is bath time. Loves splashing the water everywhere. Standing well. Feeding herself baby treats. Unique. Lovely.

Our sweet Anna. Happy 1st birthday baby girl. You are loved!!!